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i just finished an aMAZING book.

two actually...

ive read two great books in two days.. i'm a machine. lol.

and they were sad and just... perfect.

i dont know if you really understand how i feel right now.

its like, i want more than anything to be one of the kids in the books. even though they hurt and even though they might get sad i still want what they have right now because its something that i dont..

bah.

and after i read the books, its like i have this overwhelming feeling that my life is falling apart at the seams. but at the same time, i feel more put together than ever.

its a very complicated emotion. let me tell you. i'm not really sad, but i'm not really happy either.

im just sort of there.

and something happened that kinda made me upset, but it was a while ago? i dunno. it still like, torments me ya know?

i went on a cruise instead of buying/receiving presents this christmas.

i thought it would be awesome.

but i kept seeing people that would remind me of that stupid person and it would ruin my like.. 10 minutes.

i wanted to tan.

actually scratch that, i wanted to wrap myself in blankets and never let a beam of light touch my skin (spencer should understand that :) )

fjdiae

i dont know what i'm trying to say.

i want more than anything to go to college and get out of this house and this state and just start over.

i want to be the person i've always envisioned myself being.

and i'm scared.

because i dont want to screw up.

and i dont want to be alone.



i guess thats all.

go read flipped and stargirl

i'm about to start lovely bones

schedule.

Step 1) Open your iTunes or mp3 player on your computer
Step 2) Put it on shuffle
Step 3) Go through and answer the questions in order with the songs that shuffle

Don't skip any songs!

1. Some days I just feel like...i dont trust myself

3. My favorite type of day is...built this way (yep. having a pretty AWESOME day)

4. Nothing beats a good... bruised

5. When stuff confuses me, I just say...its my life

6. My view on sex is summed up with this word/phrase.. push. haha nice.

7. Heaven is like...milk shake. lol

8. I hope my last words are...tell me what to do? um...okayyy..

9. Facebook quizzes like this are dumb. I’d rather...say. lol..?

10. At my funeral, they’d better be listening to...you could be happy. awww!! thats so sad!! woah i would cry so hard.

12. Some days I just want to scream out...your pretty eyes. hmm..

13. I love to eat, especially when the food tastes like...currently. wow. that makes sense haha

14. I’m not racist, I just like to...bust your windows. hahaha!!!

15. Lots of these made no sense, but that’s because...zanzibar! lol.

16. My music knows me best, that’s why it knows that all I want for Christmas is...unbound the wild ride. hmm...

17. When I laugh a lot of people say I sound like...stop this train. ??? um ok. lol

18. My feelings on gay marriage are summed up in this word/phrase...winter wonderland. mmhmm..

19. If that last one made no sense to you, then I just have this to say to you...damn girl. haha! yay.

20. My last thought after this little quiz thing is this...the kill. lol.


well that was fun.

TBA

right. so i need to do something real quick.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

okay. i feel a little better i guess.

im just a little frustrated with some people right now.

more like.. one person in particular.

but i dont think he's going to read this so it doesnt matter.

thank you, and goodnight.

chalice

it was obvious that the elephant would never rise again, but he was not dead. he was breathing very rhythmically with long rattling gasps, his great mound of a side painfully rising and falling. his mouth was wide open -- i could see far down into caverns of pale pink throat. I waited a long time for him to die, but his breathing did not weaken. finally i fired my two remaining shots into the spot where i thought his heart must be. the thick blood welled out of him like red velvet, but still he did not die. his body did not even jerk when the shots hit him, the tortured breathing continued without a pause. he was dying, very slowly and in great agony, but in some world remote from me where not even a bullet could damage him further. i felt that i had got to put an end to that dreadful noise. it seemed dreadful to see the great beast lying there, powerless to move and yet powerless to die, and not even to be able to finish him. i sent back for my small rifle and poured shot after shot into his head and down his throat. they seemed to make no impression. the tortured gasps continued as steadily as the ticking of a clock...

ferrara pan

so.
who's the best in all the land?
white knoll high school marching band.
sort of..
its a shame i completely poured all of my energy into band this year.. and had no time for anything else.
what a bummer.
3rd place is good.
i keep telling myself that.
and it was a really good senior year.
im serious about that.
and i cant wait to go compete in atlanta next semester.
gonna be wicked.
i guess thats all.
i dont ever post so... yeah.
nobody ever reads so... yeah. haha

express check-in

right.
so.
ive made some startling discoveries of the past two days about some people i thought i might have known.
which is dumb because i barely ever talked to them.
but still.
i was surprised.
lets just say that first impressions can be incredibly incorrect.
and i guess i didnt really think about it that much until just now.
and id love to talk to someone about it, but you dont know the people im talking about. and you wouldn't understand.
i promise. you wouldn't.
i dont even understand. how can i expect you to?
but thats all.
i expected writing this to give me some sort of relief.
it hasnt yet.
probably because its a whole lot of nothing.
i guess ill just say that i almost got caught up in something that might have been very devastating.
well.. that helped a little.
im never this emotional. its weird.
i feel like my insides are in a blender.
itd be cool if that could stop. soon. lol

black anemones

im leaving for band practice in 2 hours.
how exciting.
this is the beginning of my 4 month period of lifelessness.
which isnt a word i dont think.. but whatever.
who cares.
im going to carowinds on saturday. because im cool.
and i havent seen my friends from usc camp in a really long time.
so there. :)
i think im going to go read. because i dont have anything else to do..
oh, and secrets really suck when you really want to tell someone, but you cant.
thats all.